Love is a scam. 

I am, of course, talking about the love that we’re sold each day with romantic movies and mushy cards, the kind of falling in love/lust that’s pretty much a no-brainer. It’s as easy as falling off the proverbial log.

Anyone can stumble off a stump.

Instead, I want to talk about the non-scammy love.

 

Let’s start by deconstructing that ol’ wedding-special Biblical nugget. You know the verse right? They either sing it sotto voce or read it in an eloquent imitation of Morgan Freeman’s God-like voice. Here is my slightly modified rendition of First Corinthians and the troubles one might encounter in pursuing the real deal:

Love is patient.

Patience? I am the least-patient person you’ll meet. I’m the woman who tears a hole in the side of the plastic bag of apples so I can avoid the time required to untangle that twist tie.

Love is kind.

Seriously. That’s all very well and good when your partner has just done a loving and Hallmark-wonderful act. But what if he/she has been less than lovely?
Like I said.
The odds of living in a made-for-TV movie where everyone swans around doing kind and poetically dramatic selfless acts are against us.

It does not envy.

Let me get this right. You’re my friend and you’re sporting the shoes I’ve been coveting for a year. Well…okay.

It does not boast, it is not proud.

So we’re not allowed to go on and on about how great we are or all that we put up with in our partner? Are you sure??

It does not dishonour others.

Right. I need to focus on the good traits and not the really truly annoying ones. I mentioned the super annoying things right?

It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Heavy sigh. I’m supposed to think about others and not nurse that wound of ‘the-time-he-really-messed-up’? Is that what they mean about sticking to the current argument and not dragging the past into the present? B-o-r-i-n-g!!

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

This one can be a real party-killer. As in D.E.A.D.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This verse just never ends with its demands!

So. It would seem that love is a commitment and comes with huge responsibilities.

Pick anything or anyone. Invest a ton of time and effort into it/them. Work like a crazy woman at raising that child, that dog, loving your partner, painting that picture, writing that essay, running that marathon and I’ll tell you something…you will discover love.

When we became foster parents to my nephew, I did not love him. For sure, I felt a responsibility. Absolutely, I felt a duty. But I knew what love would/should do in the situation and I walked into the form of it.

It was hard. Epic hard.

But somewhere in the middle of all that crazy investment of time, in between the learning curve (that wasn’t curved at all, but more like rappelling up a straight cliff), the endless testing of my patience (see above!!) and the weight of the responsibility required of me…something happened.

Love became my truth.

And although I am a declared pacifist, if anyone had come near my boy with the intention to do harm, they would have died with my hands crushing their throat. I had come to love him with a protectiveness that frightened me in its fierceness.

This same thing happened with my stepson. I met him when he was two-years old. I was not his mother. But because of commitment and as a result of responsibility (not to mention his infectious laugh that came directly up from his red-laced hiking boots via his little belly) I was blessed with someone beautiful to love, a gift that causes my heart to swell like the after-image of the Christmas-Grinch every time I think of him.

Time. Commitment. Responsibility. Work. Loyalty. Trust. Respect.

These are very unsexy words. Words that don’t make inspirational memes for Facebook. Words that don’t sell perfume, chocolate or flowers.  I realize this might sound like I’m negating all those pretty things we know about love. Au contraire!

But we already know that warm-fuzzy stuff. How could we not? We’re sold it constantly through romantic movies, cards, and books.

Instead, I wanted to talk about what is not talked about. I am not advocating a hair-shirt-door-mat-martyred love.  Love should never hurt…not them or us, because love demands that we love ourselves first. How else can we love someone else if we don’t feel it for ourselves?

This is not for sissies. To truly love is our highest calling. This is risky shit. Pretenders need not apply. It’s an all-in or get-out game.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Faith and hope serve love. It takes faith and hope to show up and be present for ourselves and for others. Sometimes it’s a faith that seems ridiculous in its belief and often the hope seems an amazingly misplaced idea.

This might be the only thing I know for sure: Love is hard work and worth every sweaty moment.

In return, we are blessed with the incredible blood-coursing engagement of being fully alive.

By fully committing to Olympic-style love, we are no longer just human beings.

Instead, we discover the heart-thumping thrill of being human.

 

 – Written with love from Colleen on Valentine’s Day 2014