The first thing I do is doubt myself.
It’s like my brain is set to denial as a default setting; like an old transistor jammed to one crackling station, “You have tuned in to the retro rock of DENY Radio!” or maybe it’s KFKD, that messed-up brain-station that Anne Lamott refers to in her book Bird By Bird.
Either way. It’s not good.
Even though it happens on a much too-regular basis, I still think it’s not happening when it is.
This is strange and wonderous thinking, and part of me knows that, even as I’m busy denying the facts.
I’m talking about aura migraines again. Apparently these things are especially prevalent among women (check) and tend to ramp up whilst one is floundering in the fluctuating estrogen sea that is called perimenopause (really BIG check).
Today it happened while I was driving. The sun was glaring off the car in front of me, shimmering in fact, so shiny that it seemed to cause a slight hole in my vision. Maybe it’s just the sun, says I, even though (in some deep-down place in my brain) I immediately know what’s happening.
But I’m determined that it not be true.
Instead, I look in the rear view mirror at the darker view behind me, a view less sunny, less shiny and look! it’s fine…sort of…because even on that softer shadowed side of the world, there still seems to be a little hint of a glimmer.
Yet any time I try to focus on the gleaming, it shifts and slides away.
But finally, not even my practised state of denial can survive the facts.
The evidence becomes overwhelming. The upper right part of my world breaks into fractals. As it’s happening, I’m trying to think of what words could possibly describe such crackling beauty. It’s like that semi-blind state that comes from staring into the sun for too long combined with part of my vision converted into a mini-kaleidoscope.
At this point, some might suggest it prudent to get off the freeway.
But most of my vision was still manageable and the worst of the aura was all over in the usual thirty minutes. I found a drugstore (must they be so bright and filled with glaring shelves?) and filled another prescription for the uber-pills that are meant to arrest the pending headache and body hangover that is often inevitable.
I’m back home now and not interested in doing much beyond this post. In fact, I’m rather content to let the world keep turning without my involvement. It’s not all bad. The pill has done its job and in spite of my lassitude, I know things could be much worse.
What I’m really wondering is, why am I so easily tuned into my own personal DENY Radio?
I know we all have default settings, our go-to response for most situations, and I know awareness is the first step, but why am I so good at not seeing what is right in front of me? I swear that sometimes the elephant in the room has to stomp on my head (migraine metaphor intended) before I’ll even register its presence.
So, I’m left with the biggest question of all.
And it’s not a query about pills or estrogen or headache relief…no, the most pressing question is…how do I change that station?
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In all of the years I had migraines I only ever had the aura once. It was so interesting and vivid, the ultimate ‘head trip’. Alas, 99% of the time they were just blindingly painful buggers that no amount of soldiering on could deal with. What my body and mind wanted was utter silence, darkness, and stillness. I think at one point I even looked into trying sensory deprivation tank therapy – it would have been a blessed relief for me to yank myself out of the present and step into a blank parallel reality for a brief bit of time.
But the one thing I still believe after hundreds of them, is that anyone who hasn’t experienced the pain of a migraine can understand the nirvanic trippy bliss of subsequently NOT having one. A miniscule and paltry thread by which to hang when one is suffering, I know, but there’s got to be something good from it, dang it…
Oh but Laurie, aren’t ‘miniscule and paltry threads’ all we ever hang on? I like your take on it. It’s very true because all day I’ve been thinking how great it is to just feel ‘normal’ (though what my normal looks like, might not be what anyone else’s normal looks like!).
I think one of the more interesting aspects is how my body feels like its own mini-world of plunging barometric pressure and all I can do is lie flattened by the heaviness within and without. And who says we’re not simply a microcosm of the macro world around us?
I know all about those Aura Migraines – had them for a couple years when I was separated and divorced – and mine have ceased. But it took a couple years of being very easy on myself – really being “selfish” and self indulgent. Took all the Self love I could muster – no more mean words, constant smiles in the mirror to my reflection – being very gentle with myself.
And I know you will find your own way to your solution. Take more moments of inward reflection – your body will tell you what you need. The solution will be “ease”.
Hi Karen, it’s nice to know that these migraines might eventually leave. I like your idea of more time for inward reflection so I can tune in to what I need to do (or perhaps more importantly) NOT to do.
I’ll take on your suggestion and practise being more ‘selfish’. It’s a word that I’ve been talking about quite a bit lately…
If you figure it out, let me know. I, too, suffered from migraines (aura-less) for years before I finally figured out what they were and got meds that help. Even now, though, I’m more likely to assume my head hurts from hunger, lack of sleep, or some other cause pills won’t cure. I admit to needing medication only as a last resort.
Unfortunately, I’m doing that with my recuperating shoulder, too. I practically hit myself upside the head two night ago when I was complaining about the pain after physical therapy. “Idiot! Take a pain pill – that’s what they’re for!”
I have my doubts I’ll ever learn. It’s all tied up with a childhood of not going to the doctor unless it was an emergency, etc. It’s ingrained.
So Sharry, does this mean we’re doomed to repeat the same old responses? It sort of sounds that way for both of us.
Maybe we need to reframe our responses? Maybe it’s good that we wait until ALL the evidence is stacked up.
I suppose denial is better than jumping straight into some sort of hypochondriac response of immediately declaring ourselves hurt and/or sick.
Yes, let’s do that shall we? Let’s just say we’re not prone to leaping into any quick conclusions about our health…sounds much more grown-up that way 🙂
I wish I had an answer. I suffer from the same afflictions – migraine and denial. What a combination – and not mutually exclusive. I think the desire to avert them is so strong, it takes precedence over reason. Glad you’re feeling better.
Liz
Liz, it truly is a silly combo-pak. I prefer the Kel-Bowl-Paks of yesteryear. Then again, maybe I ate too many Froot Loops?
Seriously, I think you nailed it with your observation that the ‘desire to avert them is so strong’. That’s it for sure.
If I keep pretending it’s not happening, then surely it isn’t?
I’m wondering if it’s part of my cultural context whereby feelings were to be denied at all cost…just thinking out loud here…