“I pray. I ask God what to write. I know that sounds insane, but I do. I say: What do you want me to say? I have a sense that God wanted these books written. That doesn’t mean they’re meant to be bestsellers. Nor am I hearing voices. But a lot of times I’ll get stuck and I’ll just say, Help me. A nonbeliever might think of it as talking to my superego, or some better self. But I do have a sense of being guided.” – excerpted from an interview with Mary Karr

Later Karr adds,  “Only with prayer could I stop drinking for more than a day or two. Once I made three months clean, but it was a white-knuckled horror show. Call it self-hypnosis, prayer, whatever. To skeptics I say, Just try it. Pray every day for thirty days. See if your life gets better.”

As a child I grew up with this classic prayer…
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.  

Perhaps this is a comforting entreaty for an older supplicant but as a child I can assure you, it didn’t do much to give me any solace. Given that I knew I was a Sinner, the longshot of God grabbing my soul if I died in my sleep wasn’t exactly a warm & cozy feeling…Add in the imminent Rapture and things weren’t looking particularly rosy.

Later, I learned to add to the night time prayer with the God-as-Santa-Claus litany of things I wanted…free Aunt Gert from cancer, make my Mom’s back better, help me get an A in spelling, feed the starving, oh, and…I’d really like a new bike, a pair of binoculars and a bigger treefort.

By my early teens, I’d fought back against all things Mennonite. It was apparent to me that God wasn’t listening. And I was really tired of the catch-all explanation of how He worked in mysterious ways. That seemed pretty handy…God always came out looking good that way.

But lately, I’ve been working around to another view. What if I practised praying as per Ms. Karr’s suggestion? (I am still very uncomfortable with that word but replacing ‘prayer’  with ‘good thoughts’ or ‘positive feeling’ sounds even cheesier, like a New Age card promising me white light and good vibes).

I am even more uncomfortable with all the baggage that comes with the word God. But I like the idea of Something (we can call it God/Supreme Consciousness or Anything at all). But I believe this energy imbues us all, a power that is both inside, and outside of myself…as within, so without.

As I get older, I have found myself holding friends and family in my thoughts as they go through tough times. I can see now, that even though I thought of what I was doing as kind of a virtual-hug, it’s obvious that I had simply returned to my roots.

It doesn’t really matter what I call it. It is a conscious choice to send someone my care and love by centering my thoughts on them. When I open my heart by focusing my energy, my love, my everything, to someone struggling…there is something that happens…an intangible softening…a peace.

And what if?

What if I also gave myself that gift? Not in the here’s-what-I-want-for-Christmas type of litany, but a prayer for my own peace, an imploration for wisdom and a wishing supplication to hope that I might know what is right and true.

I’ve decided to take Miz Karr’s challenge and try a 30-day prayer plan. It starts today with this particular mantra/prayer…

Let go and let God.

I know. I know. It’s kind of Prayer 101, a super-easy cheating start. I never said I was anything but a rank beginner in all this.

But. I do know this; I am a woman in need of continual help in practising patience and acceptance for what is, because  guess what? Turns out that Life does work in very mysterious ways.

This then is my announcement. So yes. I am praying.  I’m taking the word back on my terms.

It would appear that my mom and God are having the last laugh.