You would think that being unemployed for the last 16 + years would be a pretty easy ride.
I don’t want to say it’s hard. That would be too insulting to all the people that get up every day and grind through their days. I love that I very rarely set a wake-up alarm, and if I do, it’s most likely because I need to catch a plane on the way to Somewhere.
But at the same time, this life is not for the faint of heart either. Every day I get up and look at my life and the myriad of options can overwhelm to the point of near-paralyzation; should I save the planet or paint my nails? Should I paint a picture or visit a friend? Should I read a book or hang in downward dog?
As a result of these conflicting desires I have found it increasingly harder to commit to anything in case I’m not available for what might spontaneously arise.
Yesterday, as I walked down Carrall Street, I stopped to take some photos and gaze at the blossoms and it occurred to me that at almost-53 years old, I am finally getting the hang of truly enjoying my own life.
It’s taken over 16 years to learn to unravel from my need for a massive to-do list. To learn to not just do all these things, and go on all these trips, but to be truly contented within my choices. Not every day. Not every minute. But more and more this is finally becoming the norm.
I have discovered that the slower I attend to whatever I’m doing, and the more focused I am within the context of each moment, the more I am able to settle into a deeper and more heartfilled experience and – surprise, surprise – I am more contented as a result.
I used to thrive on filling my daytimer with all the future plans and events. I still have future events pencilled in, but I’m finding that more often I am writing in events, after the fact, because they are things that spontaneously came up and I was available.
I had the free time to do those things for no other reason than because I hadn’t already stuffed my day with appointments. Whaddya know?
I do not have it all figured out, but I am learning to have faith that being occasionally bored or feeling adrift is not a bad thing. In fact, it is an essential process to having a thoughtful life.
For so many years, I fought against that. I was sure that no matter what I was doing, someone else was having way more fun. I was always wondering what else I could/should be doing other than what I was doing at that moment. Holy Anxiety Bat Woman. What a freaking waste of time!
Now, I shake my head and smile at that poor woman…Seriously, darling, what were you thinking?
It all sounds so simple. But it isn’t always easy.
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Oh my Colleen! I was reading your blog, feeling insecure with my life choices, envious of yours – until your paragraph about feeling anxious – and then I GOT IT! I am having fun – in the grind, working with these energetic young people in retail selling things that people PLAY with every day. And I am happy right NOW! Right Now I am HAPPY!
And I GET IT that this is where I Should be today! Thank you, my guru, for helping me to the Joy that my life is!
Karen, that is so fabulous. I’m so glad that my rambling thoughts got you to the same place that I have been trying to get to.
But guru? Oh dear, I think not. I spend so much time figuring out each life lesson and then promptly forgetting it so that I have to relearn it all again.
Now that I’m putting all this stuff into my blogs, I can at least look back and say, Ah yes. I knew this already, so perhaps I should act on it:)