THE SANITY PRAYER
(A kind of poem )
God Goddess Creator Holy Healing One or
whoever’s up
there
(or not) —
Grant me:
The amnesia I need
To forget the things I can’t control
The energy
To select the things I can
And the brains
To mind my own business.
Amen, Namaste, this morning’s meeting is adjourned.
– from the Sanity Prayer a work in progress
where Marla, the protagonist, stoops to her knees, in graceless surrender
by me
Sheree (also, a work in progress )
This Sheree Fitch poem arrived in an email, sent to me by the fabulous Miz Sharon Brown. I felt it was ever-so-timely. Ever. So.
I am feeling a little lost. A little bit like I’m wandering in an Unknown Place.
I am not suggesting this is a bad thing but it is a bit uncomfortable. I am taking refuge in the ol’ J.R.R. Tolkien quote, “…not all those who wander are lost.”
You see, I have a headful of creative plans and ideas that include writing, sewing, painting, collaging…oh my, if you could see what I am making!
Yesterday, I purchased the fabric for that great quilty-duvet cover. Today I purchased the large canvas for the incredible painting that is surely going to be wrought upon its whiteness. I have plans to collect some of the driftwood for the cool mirror frame. I have photos I am ready to send for printing to add to a collage. The rocks are waiting on the beach for my crafty plan to write groovy words upon their stony surfaces. I have a super idea for a deck of cards using my own images and pithy poetic quotes. I have my Scrivener program standing at the ready for when I unleash my writing muse. I am so completely and truly ready for something to happen.
Except. It’s all in my head. There are no results. There is no action. There are only these swirling imaginary possibilities…
I am laying on the chaise lounge telling myself that this lassitude and inertia and lounging is just a fine and fabulous thing to do on a summer day. But I’m not content to lie here either because I know the energy that will be created from the first step toward even one of those creative pursuits.
But more than that, it is indicative of a bigger theme. I’m not so sure that I really-truly know how to be in only one place; in one mind. Sometimes I can pull it off. Today doesn’t seem to be one of those times.
Because, while I am doing this, I am so often thinking of doing that. And then, when I am finally doing that, I think I should be doing this. This continues to be my struggle.
I believe it has a name. I believe it is called anxiety. I hate that word. It sounds all nail-biting and skittish. I do not see myself as a skittery cat. Instead, I am the one you would call the ever-so-optimistic-can-do gal.
Except. When I’m not.
During my recent re-reading of When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Mate, a paragraph jumped out and smacked me between the eyes. He writes the following: “As Dr. Michael Kerr points out, compulsive optimism is one of the ways we bind our anxiety to avoid confronting it. That form of positive thinking is the coping mechanism of the hurt child. The adult who remains hurt without being aware of it makes this residual defence of the child into a life principle.”
My father was the eternal optimist. If you asked him how business was going, his reply was always the same, “Great!” Sometimes that answer reflected the reality…sometimes, like when we were verging on bankruptcy, not so much. Regardless, it was always the same. Except for the times when he crashed and said nothing at all.
Personalities are learned constructions; reactions to our circumstances. They can be unlearned but not without awareness.
Dr. Mate continues, “In order to heal, it is essential to gather the strength to think negatively. Negative thinking is not a doleful, pessimestic view that masquerades as “realism”. Rather, it is a willingness to consider what is not working. What is not in balance? What have I ignored? What is my body saying no to? Without these questions, the stresses responsible for our lack of balance will remain hidden…”positive thinking” is based on an unconscious belief that we are not strong enough to handle reality.”
Something has happened while I have been lying here with the sun on my legs & whilst writing about my twisty brain. Dare I say that I feel an unkinking of that internal, infernal rope?
But it’s true. I feel that once again, the very act of writing, and very importantly for me – daring to throw out my truth into the world to be seen – has made space and room for something to shift and stretch.
The breeze is whispering words that sound suspiciously contented. The ocean is doing that sparkling diamond dance of the infinite stars while the towels make occasional snaps to attention on the clothesline.
I do believe this post was my first act of creation. I’m ready to start the next one.
Ah, so good to know even the most consistent blogger I have met admits to not being entirely together all of the time. Reading this post was like reading what I would have written – certainly the lassitudes, the epic creations currently only existing in my mind – especially fresh off the Writers Festival weekend. Is there anything more inspiring than hearing authors talk about the years (years!) spent writing their books, or more daunting? And I’ve got 2 cardboard shipping boxes with canvases from Opus that remain unopened after two years, but big plans for them, you bet. Thanks for giving words to my Monday!
Oh dear Laurie. I certainly hope I never gave the false impression of ‘being entirely together’ HA! But then I think you already knew that 🙂
And yes, the Writers Festival is what inspires and slays me simultaneously. It is such a huge overwhelming idea; the concept of writing a book and all that it entails. I come out of there pumped and defeated in such succession that I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. Glad you could relate.
Well I have no problem thinking negatively. I must be incredibly balanced. Really, though, Colleen, one does love your sunny optimistic personality. A faux optimist would never soul search like you do. What an interesting post, it makes you think. Thanks.
Carol. In fact, you strike me as incredibly balanced – it must be that negative thinking 🙂
Thank you for, “A faux optimist would never sould search like you do.”
I like that. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms. You, in turn, have given me something interesting to think about, so let me thank you!
What a gift to allow yourself just to be in the moment, ponder, reflect what
you would like to focus your energy on next.
Sometimes the best ideas come from that.
Laurie, you’re right. I read somewhere that it’s something like allowing a field to lie fallow, or the way a garden needs to be dormant in order to create the next flowering. I’m slowly (very slowly!!!) getting a bit better at realizing that it’s okay to stay in that often uncomfortable place. That, in fact, it’s the place I really need to be.
And! I’m happy to report a did do a painting that night. A first draft-ish thing but it felt good just to swirl the paint around.
Thank God, life never goes in the straight line that I often think I want.
I might humbly suggest that LIFE doesn’t listen to what I think I need or want at all. Imagine!!!
But, this is a good thing. Clearly, I don’t know what’s best for me and life continues to teach me what I truly need to know.
Powerful and oh so familiar. I can’t wait for the next creation.
Just finished reading a book called “Mennonite in a Little Black Dress” by Rhoda Janzen. If you haven’t read it already i highly recommend it. Full of revelations and also so familiar that i felt like she was my sister and we grew up in the same home.
PS for some reason my technologically challenged brain cannot set it up to get any responses that are made to your posts, i just get the post itself. Help?
Hey Barb, I might have guessed you could identify with this post 🙂
And yes, I enjoyed Mennonite in a Little Black Dress too. So many similarities…
Not sure what’s going on with the comments section. There should be somewhere you can tick, so that you can receive ongoing responses…I’ll have to look into that.