“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ― Henry James
Admittedly I am a bit strange.
But even accounting for that slight weirdness (which, for the record, I fully embrace), I still think this idea has merit. Or let me put it another way. This little trick works for me and I share it here in the hopes that it might be something that works for you too. I know it’s not particularly original but perhaps this version of it is more approachable than the ones that insist on grand gestures.
It started with an offhand comment someone made to me a few months ago. They expressed some sympathy for ‘my rough year’. I wasn’t sure what they were referring to, but they talked about Dad dying and Kathleen’s brain cancer and it occurred to me that what they said had merit.
I hadn’t really looked at it that way. I know we all are going through something or other. And I truly felt like I was simply dealing with the particular hand that life had dealt me.
But after I thought about it, I realized the facts were staring me in the face. Clues revealed themselves; like my propensity to burst into tears at the slightest provocation, my incredible feeling of exhuastion and my new habit of napping (really truly needing to sleep on so many of my recent afternoons), a new habit that could not simply be explained away by the drear of a Vancouver winter.
It all seemed rather obvious once I had identified the situation. Perhaps I was feeling a little broken. Perhaps I really was having a bit of shitty year…
But it’s not all depressing.
In a strange way I rather like feeling this worn down. It drains me of my ability to get too reactive (aside from the crying thing). I feel more accepting of whatever happens next and more able than ever to simply stay in the unknowingness of life. To hang, as it were, in the question. Somehow, I feel less resistant to being kind to myself. I finally realized I had no other choice. And this resulted in giving myself permission to spend more and more time in my art studio because creating art makes me, wait for it…happier!
I feel like I’ve entered a strange type of grace where I’m too tired not to accept whatever is. This new state of being helps me stay more present, because, based on the sheer randomness of my yesterdays, how could I ever begin to guess what shape any tomorrow might have?
Still, life, for the most part, seemed tinged with an edge of darkness and I didn’t want to become habituated to an ongoing state of sadness. There is something dangerous about becoming too familiar and comfortable with that place. There is acknowledging and feeling emotions, and then there is downright wallowing.
Wallowing, unless you’re a large pink four-hoofed creature, is not really recommended. I knew I needed something to snap me back and out of myself.
Which brings me to my trick. It’s my own little game of kindness.
Let me illustrate: this morning I went on my little circuit walk around False Creek. I headed up over the Cambie bridge, past the Edgewater Casino, back around Science World and then home. It takes roughly 30 minutes and before it’s over, I challenge myself to have done something kind to at least three people.
This morning I said thank you to the city-worker picking up trash, I made eye contact and said good morning to the woman with the little dog in the red raincoat, I smiled at one guy with his ear buds who stared at me like I was going to steal his iPhone (admittedly I felt a flash of killer-irritation but I never claimed that this would make me a saint. I’m not the damned Dalai Lama).
Still, I perservered. I decided that to counter him, I had to ramp up the Kindness Game. So, I shared a smile with the homeless man. His smile lit up his face and brightened his eyes all the way to the edge of his fraying toque and finally, arriving back at our apartment, I picked up some garbage in front of our building.
In short, I thought about someone or something other than myself.
And voila! It was like a shot of Red Bull (not that I’ve ever had a Red Bull, but I can imagine). Suddenly, refreshingly, it was no longer about me. Even my previous silly irritation was laughable. It was all about what I can give, no matter how small.
I came home, checked my email and found a newsletter talking about the Kindness Challenge. Well, there ya go. Confirmation. Validation. Check. And check.
Am I truly doing this for others? I am. But the truth is, I get way more than I give. Being kind, as it turns out, is a very selfish act.
So. Let us all join in and be selfish together.
Merry Christmas my selfish friends.
If you’re feeling like making a grander gesture:
In Vancouver, donate to Covenant House or pledge a Gift through Homeless Partners.
Worldwide, help create opportunity with a Kiva micro-loan.
Merry Christmas, Colleen! And thank you for the validation of self kindness…I have been called selfish in the past as I provided myself opportunities of fun. Moments shared with others who I enjoy being with. And as I built up this self-kindness and fun, more opportunities came my way.
This year has been a rough one too – another marriage lost. However, the validation from my children and family have provided the kindness that I needed. And this Christmas has given me the opportunities…likely the motivation to be kind in more ways now that I am alone.
May you and Kevin have a wonderful Christmas Season!!
Karen
Merry Christmas to you and yours Karen. It sounds like you’ve built a wonderful community of good friends and family to carry you through these tougher times. That says a lot about who you are as a woman. So well-deserved kudos to you. Here’s to a fabulous 2015!
Love the Henry James quote. And I think you are the Dalai Lama. Or at least the Dalai Lama Ding Dong. Merry Christmas Colleen! Myself, Karen and the two boys will spend Christmas in Cuba, on the Cuba Cruise. After more than 20 years of travelling there, it should be a very exciting time, with big change finally on the horizon. It was a pleasure meeting you there this year and I hope we cross paths again.
Dalai Lama Ding Dong. DLDD. Hmmm…I like it! Perhaps the Damned Dalai Lama Ding Dong or DDLDD (that makes a slighty more balanced-looking acronym, non?).
I truly hope we cross paths again too.
In the meanwhile, have a wonderful Feliz Navidad in Cuba with your wife and boys. It will be amazing to watch the changes in a country where you have spent so much time.
When I say hi to Monica from you and tell her that I related her title to my cousin, she will beam from ear to ear. I met her 2 weeks ago as she was slowly walking uphill. I thought she needed a rest. As we chatted in the sunshine, she let her gorgeous head scarf ease down around her neck to reveal that her hair was growing in. “Looks good, don’t you think?” I replied, “Love it!” and really meant it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I like this cyber-connection to Monica. It’s lovely how far shared joy can travel…
A very Merry Christmas to you & yours, Martha.
I agree. Creating art, going for a walk and/or spreading kindness works for me too. Creating anything takes focus leaving no room for depression, self pity or being unkind. Going for a walk in the fresh air is wonderful … meeting a neighbour along the way is a bonus.
I don’t have the opportunity to meet as many people as you, but those I meet in my neighbourhood are mostly familiar faces. Many are walking their dog so it’s easy to get introduced and start a conversation.
Monica calls herself “the uni-bomber” because she carries a vest under her jacket stuffed with her cell phone, emergency aid for diabetes, heart condition and possibly cancer (her head is shaved). She is amazing … so positive celebrating every day with a really great attitude. Monica is also an artist and I love our conversations.
As I read your summation about, “Creating art, going for a walk and/or spreading kindness…”, it occurred to me that it’s all about creation. If we are in the throes of creating, whether it’s creating joy, a painting or a clay pot, there can be no room for tearing down.
Your encounters with Monica sound fantastic. She sounds like a real gift that has been added to your walks. Please tell her hi from me 🙂
Merry Christmas!
Right on, Colleen; or write on; you nailed it, girl! It is the 19th of Dec. and I am only getting started on Christmas celebrations. Tomorrow, I may bake, start decorating,and wrapping gifts for our family gift exchange. My daughter suggested dispensing with all the gifting thing (bless her soul)_; we all have more than we need.
As grandma, I can still indulge in filling my grandkids stockings.
I am an organizer at heart, so need to hang loose! Gee, a glass of wine helps! Whatever will be, will be!! Looking forward to meeting you someday; Have a great holiday!
Thanks Ruby. I think a glass of wine while wrapping a few gifts sounds like a very kind thing to do for yourself 🙂 We’re keeping it pretty low-key this year as well. This coming week will include more snowshoeing than baking and more visiting various friends and family than decorating which sounds just about perfect…
Have a very Merry Christmas, and yes, one of these days we’ll meet.