Dear Rhonda,
You have been dead for just over 17 hours.
I feel like I am existing in a place that is separate from my normal reality. Like I am living in a long hall built with thick plates of glass between me and the rest of the world.
It’s okay. I have been here before and I know it is not a forever place.
But you, you have tumbled back into the biggest alternate reality of all, that great glittering palace where we return to our stardust beginnings. Now you are diamond sparks of love and light.
In so many ways you have been dying for a long time, but in these last days, it suddenly seemed to be happening so fast.
While you were doing the hard labour of dying, did you hear your daughter? Did you hear Carma telling you over and over to please be happy now? To please be at peace?
Did you hear your son Sean saying thank you and I love you?
Could you hear me crying and telling you it was safe to let go? That I’d always loved you?
Could you feel Leah stroking your forehead and smoothing your hair?
I feel like you did. I want to believe we helped you do the hard work of leaving this earth.
Peace, love, happiness,
It is all any of us wished for you.
Actually, to be ruthlessly honest, for my part, it was always a selfish wish. I wanted you to be at peace so you would quit being angry, quit being mean, quit your ugliness, quit your addiction, quit your manipulation, quit neglecting your children.
The biggest selfish reason was that I wanted you to be the big sister I remembered from my childhood. I wanted that Rhonda back. The one who rode bareback, who could do endless laps of front crawl and the butterfly. I wanted the sister who sang Jesus Christ Superstar while she pounded out those crazy chords, the one who painted, my defender, the one who squealed the tires as she peeled out of the driveway.
Her. I wanted her.
But ultimately all we wanted for you was for you to be released from the sad and twisted things that bound you.
How many times did we explain it to ourselves? She is mentally ill. She’s an addict. That is crazy behaviour. It’s not about us. We can’t save her from herself.
But it is so different to read about mental illness or hear about how addicts will sell their soul for the next fix…it is another thing altogether to love that person and be helpless in the face of their lies and anger.
You had so many diseases. So much hurting. You’ve suffered for way too long. Then cancer was added to your already pain-filled body. And always there was the anxious terror in your eyes.
It has been a toxic cocktail of psychic and physical pain. And really, aren’t they just our way of using two names for the same thing? Ultimately it is all pain.
And yet.
In spite of the morphine, the heroin, the pills, and whatever else you could take, there was that resilience, that feistiness, a fierce intelligence, and right to the end, a wicked sense of humour.
Rhonda, you were always much more than your diagnosis. You were fighting disease and darkness long before we ever had a clue that there were names for what you had. I know we failed you in many ways but I hope you can now see that we also had obligations to ourselves.
A wise friend counselled me and said, it’s still love, even when it’s from a distance. So, I’ve kept my safe distance these last years. It was the only way I could keep myself intact. I always felt so completely gutted after being in your presence, so helpless in the face of your self-destruction.
But last night, just as the clock was nearing midnight, just as you laboured for the last time, I knew you had finally found peace. I am so grateful to have been there to bear witness to the terrible beauty of your death. As life left, you became translucent, and dear God, your face looked so much like Mom’s when she neared her last minutes.
Now you exist only within memories. You are thoughts and stories, and, once again, stardust.
Rhonda, you are released from the gravity of this earth.
You left on a river of love and were met by an ocean.
May you forever be at peace.
Love from your little sister.
Thank you dear sister for writing such a beautiful honest tribute to Rhonda. It is so heartfelt and true. Love you Diane.
Thanks Diane. It was definitely from my heart. Love you back ❤️
Beautifully written, Colleen. Brought some memories back for me of long ago.
Lenora. Seeing your name and comment made me smile. Thank you.
Hi Colleen, I discovered your amazing blog through our mutual friend Irene. I’ve read your posts for years now, but have never commented until now. This post about your sister resonated with me to my core. What a powerful piece of writing! You have written things I have been holding in my heart for decades. You captured every profound detail of what loving a mentally ill addict is like. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wise words with your readers. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone in how I feel. I grew up with an alcoholic father who had a severe personality disorder. My dad was funny, musical, charming and highly intelligent. And yet he tore our family to shreds. My sisters and I were at his bedside when he died. Sadly, he was still angry with us and the world at large. His death was not a peaceful one, his face did not change as his spirit left his body. But I am grateful for the experience as it gave me a chance to re-connect, say good-bye and forgive him. I said everything I needed to. Thank you again Colleen, for sharing your beautifully honest words with the world. I feel healed by reading them.
Nancy, before I write almost every post, there’s a voice in my head that tells me not to bother. Why am I doing this? For who? For what?
Who, in other words, do I think I am?
Almost every shaming voice I own joins in on this bleak choir of negativity, bringing out all my insecurities.
Thankfully, there is also a part of me that has grown stronger over the years, and this one, this one I dare to call an artist, tells all those inner censors to get the hell out of my head and let me get on with transforming my pain into art.
Even daring to say that I’m creating art feels like I’m committing the ‘sin of pride’, something that was drummed into me forever as the biggest, baddest thing I could ever do.
Suffice it to say, writing anything is almost always a battle.
I’m telling you all this, because to know that this helped you is a great gift to me. Your response is the best reason of all. You’ve given me more strength against those inner censors.
So, perhaps this, our mutual telling, is healing us both…
I simply can’t imagine the disorientation and inner-conflict that is brought into a family with a parent’s addiction.
I’m so glad you survived and that we can share our stories and find comfort in knowing that we’re not alone in all these messed-up moments.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Wow Colleen you nailed it..Good on you for sharing this sad story. I could go on a little too, but I certainly do not have your talent for words.
I will just say there sure were a lot of fun and very crazy times with all of us.
I will for sure never forget her.
My condolences to you and all the family.
Ingrid. It really is such a tragic story because we all remember so many good times with her too. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand why/how it all went so wrong. Thanks for connecting.
Dear Colleen
What a beautiful ending to what was so hard.
Our time with Rhonda over the years always made us think of the privileges she had but did not worry about consequences. From times at the lake to the year at our place in Wpg.
I felt sorry for her because she could not understand her mother love.
Then the few years we tried to help her when she needed to satisfy her devil and went to the store to satisfy her craving.
She was always loving to me and Aunt Anne. I wanted to help. Now she is free.
Love to you Colleen.
Thanks for writing Uncle Frank and Aunt Anne. I know you guys tried for so long to help her but she was bent on destroying herself. Unfortunately, her destruction also took down so many around her.
And yes, now she is finally free.
We are so sorry to hear of your sisters passing. What a beautiful article!
May you find peace in her passing.
Thank you Evelyn. It is all still a little unreal but I know peace will come.
Oh Dear Colleen.
A beautifully written piece and tribute to your sister. Also a very necessary process for your healing. Love you Darling. Biggest Hug.
Thank you Susie. You’re right, it felt incredibly necessary to write. Love you too…
What stands out for me most here, Colleen, is that gift you received of witnessing the terrible beauty of your sister’s death. Rhonda had it all—beauty, smarts, talent. Somehow, those attributes were not enough. She could not seem to hold onto what many of us saw as the true Rhonda. Only glimpses became available.
And yet, you watched her face become translucent. You watched her find peace. Some of us just seem to have to travel a very rough road to get there.
Love to you, and to all of us in this terrible and beautiful world.
That’s it Carol. I could never understand how her gifts were not enough to keep her back from the brink. And yes, to me that was really the ‘true’ Rhonda.
The way her face became more and more like Aunt Gert’s and then finally transformed completely into Mom’s. It was truly amazing. There was no doubt of our genetic lineage at that point.
Yes, we do live and love in a terrible and beautiful world. Love to you too. I’m so glad our families are braided together.
Colleen. Dear, dear Colleen.
What a beautiful piece of writing. I cried when I read “You left on a river of love and were met by an ocean.” You captured addiction so well, and as someone who has a daily reprieve from it, it’s no matter that I got out early before true wreckage was created, I know for those susceptible to it, it is a miracle to escape it and hell on earth to be trapped in it. Thank you for being you, for loving from afar, for loving Sean and Carma and creating the stability of family, while still keeping Rhonda in your heart and prayers. I wish I could have known you as sisters when you were young, I believe I would have loved her as much as I love you.
Thank you so much Laurie. I wish I could take full credit for the river of love comment. I first heard that right after my mom died. Mom and Dad’s pastor and good friend came to the house right after she died and he is the one who said that. I thought it was so beautiful and never forgot it.
I guarantee that if you and Rhonda had met as teenagers, we would have all been friends. The scary part is that I might have wrecked even more cars if I’d known you back then 🙂 Thanks for all the love and wonderful words. You are a blessing.
What an incredible piece Colleen, i can’t stop weeping thinking of all that could have been………. Rhonda was so fortunate to have you there with her at the end, i was so hoping for that outcome after all the pain that has happened over the years. You have been an incredible sister and mother to her children, you are a saint in my books. I have a stepdaughter with many of the same issues that i am trying to accept with unconditional love and you have been an inspiration as usual. Blessings.
Oh Barb. You’ve known our story for the longest, right from when Rhonda spent that year living with your family. I know it’s been tough on your parents for so long too. It seems that addiction is like a terrible web that pulls so many others into it.
You can rest assured I’m the furthest thing from saint material but I have certainly tried to do what I thought was right. I wish there’d been a handbook on the topic. It’s sure not easy to know what to do.
I’m so sorry to hear your stepdaughter is struggling with the same issues. I think the only thing I’ve learned out of all this is to love but to also remember your own self care by having defined boundaries. Way easier said than done. I can’t begin to think how many times I failed at all of it.
Hope to see you at her memorial. Sounds like we both need some cousin hugs.
Dear Colleen – I’m Bridget aka Bridgie’s older sister and a neighbour of your family from Cherry Street days. Your tribute to Rhonda is heartbreakingly beautiful and so very honest. My heart aches for you and all your family. Losing a sibling to addiction is a cruel experience. Thank you for sharing these poignant words with your blog followers. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Oh Kate! You need no introduction. Of course I remember you. Thank you for your kind words. It’s strange how the trajectories of our two families crossed again. You’re so right that it is a cruel experience to lose a sibling to addiction. It is horrible the way addiction impacts so many lives. Thank you so much for writing.
Peace be with you Colleen ❤️
And with you also… Thanks Kelly.
That is a thoughtful, beautiful, incredibly well written from the heart piece of writing. I’m sorry for your pain and what your sister lived with.
Thanks Leigh. I have often wished for a different outcome but if this is what it is, I am so thankful she has finally been released from all her pain.
So sorry Colleen to hear about the death of your sister. I know it was a difficult love because of her addictions but you have done the right thing remembering her when she was a happy child and your youth together. It is the only thing you can do. I wish you peace and love.
Catherine,
In the end she was a very difficult person to love, but I also have so many more amazing memories of her incredible strength and spirit.
She was a formidable force.
It’s strange that in the midst of this grief, I also feel very fortunate. I know it’s because of all the kind notes that I’ve received; these wishes for peace and love feel extremely real and are incredibly comforting.
Thank you.
Such a beautiful piece Colleen, at the end of these types of journeys of our loved ones is peace which is all we ever want for them. Thank you for sharing.
Yes Ann, it’s all about being released from the turmoil. I believe she has finally found peace. I certainly hope so.
What truth and love you speak , in speaking about about Rhonda. Your words broke me, I cried for the loss, for the waste, for the sadness and hurt . She was such an inspiration , so talented, so full of life and so destructive . It was so thrilling and exciting to be around her when we were young and I was always so sad that she could never release herself from her demons. Thank you for sharing the end of her life with me through your blog. Some people leave big impressions, she did. She will always be remembered . Please let me know when you are having a memorial .
Kathy, that’s it…the loss, the waste, the sadness, and so much hurt.
It just seems ridiculous that she was so intent on self-destruction when she had been given so much.
I love that you knew her as she used to be.
You and I have so much history together. I love that.
Thank you for all your caring.
PS An informal gathering in her honour will be held at the Best Western Hotel in Mission on April 22nd. It would be amazing if you could make it.
Your writing is always straight from the heart. I know this must have been difficult to write. I admire your strength, your honesty and your devotion to see this through. ❤️ Bless you and your Stardust✨
Blessings Dee Dee. You’re right it was hard to write and yet it also felt absolutely necessary that I do. Thank you.
Such a beautiful letter to your Sis. I understand your frustration, your anger and your love. To continue to have hope when it seems to be futile is just what we do. I pray you find peace in your memories and in knowing Rhonda is free to be the big sister I’m sure she longed to be. Huge hugs Colleen, I’m so sorry for your loss❤️
Thank you Patty. I take great comfort in the idea of her finally being at peace. Her life was so hard and turbulent. Thank you for writing.
Oh Colleen, such sorrow, such wonderful raw words to honour your sister. I am so fortunate to have memories of Rhonda when she was a bright spark in life. A young women who we both adored, who was beautiful, who could do anything she put her mind to. Addictions steal those people from us. It is our loss to lose people while they are still with us. May she now find peace and create and spread her sparkle once again.
Sending love and kindness to your family and Rhonda’s children.
Much love, Bridget
Oh Bridget. When I called Rhonda late last year and told her that I’d talked to you, she immediately called you by her nickname for you, “Bridgie?!? You talked to Bridgie?” That made me feel so good. There was so much of her that was still in there… behind all the other stuff.
And yes, let us hope our broken siblings are restored to sparkle again. Much love to you too, Colleen
Oh Colleen, thank you for letting her know we connected, my thoughts of you and Rhonda from childhood are among my happiest memories. I am so honoured in all her tangles she remembered Bridgie. You are so very special !! Thank you.
Oh my god Colleen, so sorry to read this blog. My heart goes out to you Diane & family. I remember her sense of humour, I used to look forward to her visits at Anglo, she made us laugh so hard we almost pissed ourselves. She is truly at peace now, her struggle is over. Please keep us posted on the service. So sorry for your loss.
Oh Anne. Thank you for writing and reminding me…I had forgot all about those Anglo visits. I will definitely let you know about a memorial, we’re just trying to figure that out now.
Beautiful words from a beautiful, thoughtful, loving, caring, wounded soul.
Blessings AnneLise. Thank you. You and I have such history. I appreciate that so much.
What a beautiful love letter to add to the memories and stories where your sister continues to exist. And, within your own grief may you also find peace, love and happiness.
Thank you Bruce. Thank you for ‘memories and stories where your sister continues to exist’. Some of the best blessings out of all this are comments, calls, emails and texts that include words like yours. Thank you.
Colleen may you too find peace in her passing. Love to you. Bruce
Blessings Bruce. I’m definitely hoping it helps shift things a little. It’s crazy how long a person can carry hope in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
Oh my dear friend. The love. The pain. Can’t have one without the other, it seems, eh? I’m so so very happy you wrote this — for you, for others. And so happy you were there with your sister. That must have been so difficult. I love you and miss you and wish you peace, always. So sorry for your loss, Colleen.
Blessings Gwen. Keeping-vigil-time is definitely different than ‘normal’ time. It was hard and it was a blessing too. Thank you so much for your caring thoughts. I feel it.