“I slept and dreamt that life was joy.
I awoke and saw that life was service.
I acted and behold, service was joy.”
~ Rabindranath Tagore
It was a rather intense weekend.
But in spite of that, or more correctly, because of it, I’m here to tell you – hospice volunteer orientation training rocks.
I found myself deposited into a posse of brave hearts. Here’s the funny thing…they all look like regular people.
But you have been warned! Angels walk amongst us.
We went through a variety of listening exercises and possible scenarios on how and what to do, as we learn to companion people on their journey (yes, like any group, club or corporation, there is always a particular application of language, and really, what other shorthand could one use?).
Seasoned volunteers told their stories of grief and visits gone sideways. As well, there were charts and graphs and one-on-one exercises that made it apparent as to why there were so many Kleenex boxes in the room.
More than anything, and what was stressed over and over, and is now my takeaway for not only this business of hospice volunteering, but for life – is this:
I am not here to help.
Crazy right?
Instead, we are here to serve.
I learned a little about the difference a long time ago. I used to spend more time than I like to admit, swooping in to ‘save’ my sister. I was her rescuer. After all, she told me over and over, only I could help her.
Did you notice my beautiful shimmering cape in that scenario?
Oh yes, I was the capable one, the one who knew what to do, the supreme helper. I had the cash, the car, the abilities. Until one day, after I cancelled plans with a friend because my sister needed saving, yet again, my wise friend said to me, “You get as much out of being her rescuer as she gets out of being a victim.”
Shut the front door!
It was true. And that, my friends, is an illustration of helping as well as the beginning of a much longer story for another time…
Instead, let us return to the subject of language. It is, of course, wonderful to help. Here’s an abbreviated dictionary definition of help:
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to give assistance or support
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to make more pleasant or bearable : improve, relieve, rescue, save
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to be of use
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to change for the better
This is all very good stuff, but words are tricky and helping implies that someone is the helper and the other the helpee (this is actually a word. I thought I’d invented it until I looked it up).
Another way to say this would be to call one the benefactor, and the other, the beneficiary. But see what happens then? Does that not imply that one is slightly superior to the other? Hi, I’m here to be your benevolent benefactor.
Instead, our group was asked to consider the idea of serving rather than helping.
Some in our group protested that this was simply semantics. Of course they were right. But then, isn’t that true for so much of our language? I believe the right word is very important. Words carry power.
Serving, not servitude, but truly serving, implies something that somehow ennobles both of us and creates equality.
Rachel Remen, M.D. writes in her essay, In the Service of Life, “Helping incurs debt. When you help someone they owe you one. But serving, like healing, is mutual. There is no debt. I am as served as the person I am serving. When I help I have a feeling of satisfaction. When I serve I have a feeling of gratitude.”
If I came to your door in an attitude of serving something greater than both of us, perhaps in the service of friendship, or love, or in service to kindness, than I am simply beside you and walking with you in whatever you’re experiencing. In hospice language: I am companioning you on your journey.
I cannot tell you what to do. I can only listen with an open heart. I am there simply and only to hold the space that allows you to speak and perhaps for you to say what no one else wants to hear. Or maybe I am there to be comfortable in the sharing of silence.
Helping too often implies fixing and suggests something is broken. But, how on earth do I think I can fix death? And who am I to tell you how to live your last days?
But oh my! Don’t we all want to tell everyone else what they should do? Don’t we have the best answers for everyone else’s problems?
Certainly, we might have a good, maybe even a great solution, but, guess what? Turns out, that it’s not about me and how clever I am at solving problems. Instead, the point is for me to shut up and listen.
I need to kick my ego to the curb and simply be there. Within this attitude of service, some concrete bits of helping might occur, like straightening a blanket or adjusting a pillow, but this is not the superhero swooping-in-kind-of-help, these are simply some practicalities.
It was suggested, and I agree, that for most of us, this is going to be the growing edge, the concept we might struggle with the most.
But ultimately, this idea of service is not about words that are to be bandied about. Instead, it is about the attitude and intention we bring to each situation.
Serving is listening without judgement. Serving is being present. It is realizing that it is enough, more than enough, to be present. Serving recognizes that all lives are connected. That we are in this together.
We are here to serve the mystery that is life, not because it is broken, but because it is profound and holy.
“Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken.
Awaken!
Take heed, do not squander your life.”
~ Dogen
If you liked this post, please feel free to share it widely. It’s a great opportunity to help! Ha! See what I did there?? What I really meant was, please think of sharing this post as being of service. Thank you.
When my brother Sean died and my mom was struggling with grief , a wise and wonderful friend of hers saw an opportunity . She asked my mom if she would take the hospice training as they needed more volunteers to help out. Through the training my mom learned to start healing her own grief . She was always one to be in the service of others being raised in a Salvation Army career family. Isn’t it wonderful how being in service to others heals ourselves? I love how in life we are directed to what we need. Boom.
And aren’t we blessed to have friends who can recognize things like that. I have such good memories of your mom, not specific ones, so much as just a knowing that I always felt cared for in her presence. She would have been an amazing hospice volunteer. And yes, I think we tap into our own pain, which in turn helps us to feel others. Empathy is a gift to the person we’re with but it gives as much to ourselves. Winner winner ????
So cool. When my time is up, I know who to call. Facing the end will be a serious thing and I might not have much energy. Just having someone sitting there in silence — someone who is useful, someone who understands — would be such a comfort. But crack me up every now and then. I love your laugh.
Hey Martha. I think we inherited the same DNA when it came to the laugh we both share 🙂
As for that call? Let’s make an agreement that you don’t make it any time soon, okay? Actually, some time on the fourth of Never would be best.
Agreed … better to stay on the right side of the grass. And, yes, you will rock this!
“Serving is listening without judgment.” I love this truth. And you’re so right, it’s kind of an ego thing — the helping. I was talking to someone recently who was lamenting about their day, their week, their life. Not for the first time. Or the 10th or the 20th. It’s a common, very negative thing that is constant in most of our conversations. And I was in a place where I had just finished watching an inspirational speaker and I was on a big (life) high! So, yea, I launched in with my newfound wisdom of how to live a happy life and promptly told her exactly what she needed to do. Very passionately, of course. Didn’t even give her time to speak, really. It gave me such a rush — I was going to fix this for her. Just do this and this and stop doing that.. and you are the light of the world and blah blah blah.
And of course, two days later, when she told me she forgot to watch the videos I sent her right after our call … I was bothered. Why not? I can fix this! (And that would make ME feel so good… ) Ugh, how frustrating. I have the answer! (uh huh)
This person, who I love dearly, will find her own way. She really just wants me to listen.
Lesson learned. Thanks for wrapping this up for me.
Oh Gwen. I feel your frustration, especially if it’s an ongoing negative situation with a close friend. I wish I could tell you that I always get it right, but like you, I’m all about the latest film/video/book/quote that could change the world!! Just listen to me!
And I think that’s part of what you and I have in common is the urge to keep searching and working on our ‘stuff’ and the pure enthusiasm to want to share it. And why not? If I told you about a great restaurant, it’s only because I want you to have some of that wonderful food too. In a fun and happy conversation that kind of back and forth exchange happens naturally. Frankly,I think we’d be really boring if all we did was act like a psychiatrist and nod knowingly 🙂
But there are other situations, like the one you just described, and then it’s a different and tricky balance to really listen and read the situation. I’m relearning this over and over. Sometimes we’ll get it right and others, well, for me in particular… that’s when the self-forgiveness comes in.
Colleen I love this post. You are training to be a volunteer in an hospice for the dying. I like the idea of serving, of being present at somebody’s side, of listening or maybe just keeping silence. Yes, serving means being on the same level with the other person, of sharing the suffering, of being “one” with the person.
I know that you are going to be an attentive listener and you will be an asset for the centre.
I wish you good luck and be of good courage.
Thanks for your belief in me Catherine. I know that I will struggle with this, which is why I wrote this post. I wanted to publicly announce my intentions in the hopes that a declaration might just help me stay on track. I aspire to this and certainly do not always achieve it. But my plan is to do my best and learn how to be. Thanks for the good wishes.
You will rock this!
Here’s hoping Gwen 🙂