I am in the Jasper library in Jasper National Park in the province of Alberta in the country of Canada. This might be called an objective factual statement.
The less factual stuff, the so-called subjective realities are slightly more nebulous.
For instance:
I am flummoxed.
I am in transition.
I am at a loss.
I have a headache…probably related to all of the above.
Let’s review: We have been on the road for just over three months. There are two and half months of travelling across Canada left before we head to the West Coast and move into a furnished rental house in Sechelt, British Columbia. Our plan, so far, is to stay there from October 15th until February 15th, 2017.
After that…no clue.
I have mostly enjoyed hanging in the big ol’ unknowing question of what’s up post-rental-house, but today I feel a bit, well (see above), yes, a bit at a loss, generally flummoxed by the question of our ongoing impermanence. I feel like we’re in some sort of unknowable unnameable transitory state often referred to as purgatory.
There’s a reason people build forts and cabins and villages. People like knowing where they are grounded on this big blue marble.
Kevin, on the other hand, would not subscribe to my flummoxed viewpoint. He likes this plan, or more correctly, our non-plan very well.
And to be fair, most days I do too. In fact, almost every day. Just not on this particular day at this particular time of writing here in the Jasper library in Jasper National Park in the province of Alberta in the country of Canada.
But even now, I don’t feel strongly on the topic. It’s more like I have this vague wish to have a home, somewhere, anywhere. The bigger problem, as I see it, is this:
I don’t even know what I’d wish for.
I have no idea as to where I want to live.
And so far, every time we go through a town or city, one of us turns to the other and says, “Nope. Not this place.” Even when we see a house that is almost fairy-tale perfect, I look at it and think, “Oh, but then we’d actually have to stay there.”
But even that’s not true because I took a look at my/our calendar for this past year. It seems I/we were gone a lot. In fact, most of the time.
So really, it’s not like any home would be somewhere we’d spend 365 days occupying. The odds are high that it would simply be a base to launch from. Ha! That’s it. Houston, we have a problem. We have no base.
I think that’s it. I want my very own Somewhere to come back to.
I know that previously I’ve waxed on about how home is where the heart is, so yes, it’s true, we’re always home, wherever we might find ourselves. Etc., etc., blah, blah, blah…
But a woman has the right/write to change her mind. Especially this woman.
And really, home might be more correctly stated as, Home is where the heart is…and the bookshelves, and our sundry items that hold memories and stories, and neighbours and friends down the road and maybe a few good coffee shops and a wonderful library and a studio and what if I could have a canoe pulled up to my very own dock on a little lake?
The dreams and wishes change like the weather and stick around for almost as long. I mentioned flummoxed, but maybe this is more correctly described as being in a state of fluctuation.
But then, that’s just how I feel today.
I didn’t feel this way on our hike yesterday.
Or the hike a few days before that.
This too shall pass. But meanwhile, could you please tell me this?
Why do you live where you live? What makes your house a home? What would you change about your home/life if you could summon a genie?
Enquiring minds need to know.
Yours truly,
Flummoxed and Fluctuating in Jasper
PS If you enjoy these posts, I’d really appreciate it if you could share them in any way you feel comfortable. Who knows? Someone out there might know where our future home should be…
What interested me about the feelings you describe in this post is how like “culture shock” they are. The timing is sort of spot on, too. Even though you have remained in a milieu where language and many aspects of life remain familiar, you’ve unplugged a former life and taken on a new one with an entirely new culture. The fact that you did not feel this way yesterday is also telling. I know that I ride the sine wave of emotion when I have to deal with significant change or relocation or travel.
I’ve learned not to trust those predictable but unstable states. They often occur in the evening after a full day, and often indicate that I need more rest/mediation/down time. Sometimes they are the result of MSG being used in the food. I often wake up just fine in the morning after moaning and groaning into my journals the night before. I test those feelings with my fine, rational mind and trust/act on them only when they stand up to scrutiny.
Like many others who have commented, I don’t particularly like being “homeless.” I’ve always been a nester rather than a wanderer. Even when I wander I nest. I book hotels for no less than 3 and often more than 5 nights. Then I “live” in that location rather than “travel through” it. I buy flowers for my room, put up a small photo collage of loved ones. I “move in” and make it my “home.”
Pulling your pod behind you, your home has always got your back. How sweet is that? I think it an awesome project. The ups and downs of emotion attend any life. Even very adept monks must return to their “practice” when beset by feelings.
Right now I live in two homes. My primary residence in one city is for sale, and I have leased a lovely suite in the one I plan to move to. I go back and forth between the two as I prepare to leave one small city and find something to purchase in the new. That, too, has its set of challenges and moments that I “feel” the craziness of that choice. But it works more often than it doesn’t. And the moments in which I question the whole thing pass.
Lynda, thank you for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking comment.
I’m just back from our Mt. Robson backpacking trip and our trailer is once again feeling spacious. It’s funny what sleeping in a tiny tent can do to your perspective.
We’re now heading out on the next eight-week leg of our trip and it suddenly feels more focused as a result.
I think the time in the mountains was a great way to hit the reset button and I feel, once again, content to simply be on the road…
Your are welcome, Colleen.
Wow, so many good reasons to travel, as well as having a home base. I satisfied my wanderlust before getting married. In 1969 we bought a house and planted roots in North Vancouver — great garden, neighbours, friends, schools, shops and sunny south view overlooking the city — what’s not to love! We travel by car 3 or 4 times a year to places like Whistler, Osoyoos, Spokane, California and Arizona and tried cruising a few times, but seldom away for more than a month and never in summer. We have raised beds along the front of the house with tomatoes, lettuce, kale and zukes, and a terraced veggie garden at the back with strawberries, raspberries, rhubarb, Green Zebra tomatoes, Sugar Snap peas, zucchini, butternut squash, cucumbers, parsnips, carrots and green beans that grow to the sky. This might sound like high maintenance but I love gardening and reaping the rewards. Also several golf courses nearby.
Martha, thank you for adding your voice to the conversation. So many wise people! I think your garden sounds like reason enough to never leave. There is nothing more satisfying (and nourishing) than home-grown produce.
It sounds like you have a really nice balance.
I think that’s what I’m ultimately looking for; balance in some form or another.
I moved to Toronto mainly because I couldn’t get another work visa to live in London UK. I never had any intention of putting down roots but they grew despite me. And wherever you land, your roots will grow, too – (unless of course you hate it, then you can move again, too). In fact, you could move to Toronto where you have lots of friends.
I think what you say is true, that just like a good clipping from the garden, we will grow wherever we are. It’s like Peggy’s quote, “bloom where you’re planted.”
It would be great to hang out in Toronto with all of you wonderful people…except you all travel more than me and I’d never see you.
It’s all quite funny really. Not so much in haha way, but as in, life is some strange journey.
My husband and I have lived in the same house for the last 33 years. I saw it, liked it and bought it with no regrets. This is a semi-detached house with thick walls, a big kitchen and a big garden. It’s quiet and in a nice part of the town. I loved it there and I love it now. I feel protected in it – this is mine, it’s like a friend, I feel good in it, its full of memories, of friends and families visiting. Sometimes we think about settling down in France but we keep putting if off. It will be such an ordeal!
Some people like to move around but not us, perhaps because we are both of the sign of cancer we get rooted everywhere we go, even if it is just for a couple of weeks.
I hope you and Kevin will find your “niche”. By the way I love the photos – Canada ……. such a beautiful country that I longed to visit.
Catherine, your thick-walled home sounds like a wonderful sanctuary. What a beautiful repository for great memories. Part of me would love that so much, but apparently,not quite enough!
One day, I would love to visit your home. We could drink tea in your garden and talk about France.
Thanks so much for your lovely description of what makes a home; kitchen, garden, memories, and love.
Colleen, I have always admired your lifestyle and wished so many times to emulate it. You once quoted me ,”travel as pilgrimage” which I remembered on my many travels. I also recall house sitting in two of your wonderful homes. Your ability to make those homes sing with your style and personality made them a comfort to occupy.
After moving about every 6 years since I left my hometown as a 17 year old, I finally feel at “home”. A single wide mobile home in South Surrey, 5 minute drive from the beach, 10 minute drive from my youngest daughter, married grandchildren and great grand babies a bit farther away. Most importantly a bus stop at the bottom of my street for when I can’t drive.
After traveling a lot of the world, I have realized that my small garden and the attributes of this city ( and it could be any city for that matter) offer me everything I need. “bloom where you are planted” the perfection you seek is right here around you. For the first time in my life I have a sense of serenity and peacefulness. I take comfort and pleasure from my memory filled art and furnishings……I enjoy being home more than almost anywhere. Such a change for me.
You will find and create the right space for yourself and Kevin when you let yourself know that home is inside not out there somewhere.
Selfishly, I hope you settle not too far away so I can get to see you once in a while.
Ruth Hunter is coming to see me for lunch tomorrow. We had a lovely book club reunion picnic last year but everyone was busy. Ron away this time. So just Ruth and I will visit and reminisce about our glory book club days in Mission.
I enjoy your writings and hearing about your travels.
Peggy
Ah Peggy…I need to put you on my payroll????Thanks for saying such lovely things.
I know how much you loved to travel and explore, and it’s lovely to hear that you have found contentment and serenity. That is the best discovery of all.
And thanks too, for the reminder that travel is pilgrimage. I am going to set a properly worded quest for myself.
Whatever we do and wherever we end up (or not), it is wonderful that we met so long ago and I promise to stop in and visit.
Enjoy your piece of heaven.
This Colleen lives in sunny, oh so sunny, southern California, 15 minutes from Laguna Beach, oh so lovely Laguna Beach. But I wouldn’t want to live there! Too many tourists, too expensive, too too too.
My husband and I live in a townhome we bought last year, in a town called Laguna Hills. We love so much about our neighborhood and home. It’s cozy, enough space and fairly quiet here year round. We have wondered….where could we live other than here? It’s very tough to decide because of this weather.
We’re both in our 60’s so I wonder more frequently, will we move again or is this it? Don’t know!
I think one can’t find ONE PERFECT place when there is so much beauty to go and enjoy in the world. I say to myself…here’s home…now just try and leave it more frequently and go check out new places!
If we were able to, I’d like to try renting new places in different parts of the world for a month at a time. No big move, no big investment, just the chance to change the scenery for extended bits of time and get to know places, instead of just passing through.
And home, our permanent sanctuary, would be right here waiting for to return.
Colleen, I think you’ve just stated what I would enjoy…a home base that we can launch from, so we can spend months in other areas, but still come home. It kind of sounds perfect and I guess we were doing that in Vancouver but now that we’ve rented out our apartment, we sort of three that particular option out. I’m really quite fine with that…we both love Vancouver but really wanted to see what else/where else we might enjoy.
You do have a pretty magnificent climate where you are.
I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I love how many wonderful people have provided such great insights.
Oh Colleen,
Great question, one we still ponder even though it is very evident by my prolific house build posts that we’ve chosen to put down roots. Definitely our decision to buy and build in the Shuswap had to do with 1) a desire to live by the water and 2) wanting to have a place that our children and potential grandchildren would want to come, rather than come out of obligation. Trying to balance the desire for a home and the wanderlust that we both have is challenging. The only thing I know for sure is that we are 100% committed to staying healthy so that our choices are based on our desires and our bank accounts and not on our mobility. I think this bears further discussion, on our deck, with wine. We put in the RV plug and pad just for peeps like you.
Margaret. I LOVE that you’re still thinking about this, even as you finish building your gorgeous house. In fact, I take great comfort in knowing that…so thank you:)
Living on a lake is high on my list. I loved our years on the ocean in Sechelt and would love to try the lakefront life.
Like you guys, we really want to have a lifestyle that lends itself to a healthy (meaning, mostly outdoors) life. Somewhere that has lots of opportunities for hiking, kayaking and just being outside. (Oh, and a strong arts community and those perfectly Bohemian coffee shops and an amazing bakery, cheese shop, and a burgeoning Cafe culture).
Where is that magic wand?
100 Mile House B.C and area … Hmmm why? Lol!
We moved up to the Cariboo after living in the lower mainland all my life. Our home was robbed twice twice in two years living in Dewdney, the once quiet country land of dairy farms and pastures . That coupled with the poor air quality of the Fraser Valley and what I felt was a growing toxic environment , sealed the deal. I now enjoy unlimited lakes and natural settings for hiking , kayaking, fishing , hunting. It’s like being on holidays just not having to leave . ???? I love the small town feel, the caring community of neighbors . A traffic jam is when the road has cattle on it . I like that people greet you on the streets and say good morning when they don’t even know you. People hold doors open in stores and all the bank tellers know me by name. It may sound kind of like Mayberry, but it’s definitely for me . I love the feeling of belonging to a community and being part of a tribe ! Maybe it’s the people who make a place a home. ????
Kathy…this is great stuff.
I really appreciate your thoughts.
I totally want the Mayberry thing at the exact same time as I can imagine myself in a Parisienne flat.
Gemini much?!?
We’ve been looking up in your area too. I love that you have all the seasons, including a ‘proper’ winter and real heat in the summer.
Maybe we’ll be neighbours again.
When I was married, my anchor was my spouse and making a home wherever. Now that I am alone I realize that I am very attached to where I live. And my abode is now a priority and gives me comfort and security. My thoughts as I read your thoughts.
Thanks for your thoughts Liz. Kevin is my rock and anchor too. I’m sure I’d feel very differently if I was alone too. No idea what that would look like but I really appreciate and understand your vantage. I picture your home as very comforting and filled with art.
Why do you live where you live? What makes your house a home? What would you change about your home/life if you could summon a genie?
We live where we do, in central North Carolina, because we returned from North Africa because of a double death in our family meant that we needed to come back for a younger sibling. We found jobs, furthered our university degrees, made friends and settled in. All the time though we were thinking that we should not be here. We should be out there in the world exploring. Retirement meant an opportunity to explore that possibility so we did volunteering stints for several years in France. My husband was in his element loving having all of those endless French discussions. I missed being around folks where I didn’t have to think too hard about what or how to say something. Our kids have now moved west. Should we? We have spent time in San Francisco and Portland — no, not IT! Spent time in the BC interior-no way my husband would be happy living there permanently. Victoria if we could ever afford to buy a place or Sidney. It is so SANE in Canada. I want OUT of the US of A.
Hi Bonnie. Thanks for your input. Wow. You’ve made some very big moves in your life. It sounds like you’ve tried on a lot of different lives; North Africa, Southern U.S., France are all very divergent places. It strikes me that you are very adaptable.
I’m comforted in knowing, that after all those different experiences, you are still looking too.
Portland and San Francisco are both beautiful cities. There are so many vibrant American cities but, as a Canadian, I have a real problem with the whole gun thing. Maybe that’s the ‘sane’ thing you’re referring to 🙂
It sounds like you’ve explored a fair amount of BC. I’m curious as to what about the BC Interior wouldn’t work?
Victoria and Sidney are gorgeous, but yes, not overly affordable for most.
Please let me know what you decide. It’s all wonderful information that helps me process what to do as well. Take care.
Oh lord, Colleen, don’t know why you’re sweating this one.
You should try packing up your entire house, giving away all your furniture, renting your house out indefinitely, and making vague plans to stay in Thailand for a year, followed by a “year or two” in Vietnam, followed by another “year or so” in Laos or Malaysia–with your life’s possessions distilled down to two suitcases and a backpack.
At least you’re still in North America which is basically one great big homogenous unit. Our lifestyle too, in Seattle, was marvelous; great coffee houses (it is Seattle, after all), a world class library system & my own personal library of books numbering in the thousands, a cadre of close friends, a great social life, great nabes, etc, etc, — but dead bloody boring!
What’s the worst that could happen to you? You move back into your home in Vancouver or find some nice cabin on a lakefront. You’re in a no-lose situation.
If you’re having thoughts about settling down again perhaps you’re not meant for the nomadic lifestyle. It’s ok to settle down again if you’re unsettled by the gypsy life. It’s definitely not for everyone. Keep thinking about it, Colleen, and your future will crystallize eventually. Good luck with whatever you decide. Regards, -Roy
You’re right on so many counts Roy. I knew you guys moved to Thailand but didn’t know it was quite so open-ended after that. It sounds like a good fit, to stay in one place for a year and explore from there. I think I recall that you have rented an apartment there? That sounds like the home base idea that I’m interested in, though there’s probably not a canoe on your doorstep, but then, it doesn’t sound like you’d want one.
We have good friends who have been, what they refer to as Perpetual Travelers, for over thirty years, many of them in Thailand. I always marvelled at their ability to be ‘unmoored’. Maybe it’s true and I’m not cut out for it. But I like your suggestion to keep thinking until something crystallizes. I’m so glad to have your input. Enjoy Thailand ????
Now that’s a question! I have of course moved more than thirty times across four countries in the last three decades and the search for home and rootedness has always been at the core of it all. Although even in places that did not feel like home I’ve always created my macro home because wherever I am, I have my personal belongings that always travel with me and make me feel like home. Meeting my husband, who is American (I am from Germany), threw another variable into the mix but I am happy to report that we finally landed in a place that feels like home to both of us: Bellingham, WA. Close to my beloved Vancouver and long-term friends up there but also lovely in its own right, much like what you describe above. After so many decades of wandering and moving it feels so good to ‘be home’. Now all we have to do is find our forever house here 🙂 I think what you are doing is wonderful and brave and even the current restlessness will bring you so much. Love following your adventures! xo
Wow! And you’re calling what I’m doing brave and wonderful?! You could teach classes in moving. That’s an incredible number of transitions. I can’t begin to imagine all the cultural nuances you’ve had to adapt to.
Thank you for your words that, “…even the current restlessness will bring you so much.’ That’s a good thought to hold tight.
I really appreciate your input. It’s lovely to know that after all those moves, you’ve found the roots you were seeking.
We live in Chilliwack because we were tired of living on the hill of Mission. We moved here 19 years ago to raise our boys. It was a good decision. We sold our house 10 years ago and continue to rent it back from the landlords. They are amazing. They said they would not sell until we were ready to move and even in this sellers’ market, they are not selling. We toy with the idea of living on Osoyoos or Oliver after we no longer need to sustain our life with a daily job. We like the climate, we spend a little time up there each year wondering if it will be the right choice. We may choose to stay in Chilliwack because we really do love it here…and if we are fortunate enough to enjoy grandchildren we may want to stay close. Who knows? If I could summon a genie…a home and yard that required no maintenance 🙂 Everything else is ticking along just fine at present.
Thanks for your input on this AnneLise. I like that Chilliwack has a ‘real’ downtown, and especially love that bookstore.
We’ve been thinking Osoyoos or Oliver too. Grandchildren would love to visit you at the lake 🙂 I love that warmth and the air is clear and gorgeous up there.
I think one of things I can definitely say about living in a trailer…housework and maintenance is pretty darned minimal and someone else is tending the yard.