“I pray. I ask God what to write. I know that sounds insane, but I do. I say: What do you want me to say? I have a sense that God wanted these books written. That doesn’t mean they’re meant to be bestsellers. Nor am I hearing voices. But a lot of times I’ll get stuck and I’ll just say, Help me. A nonbeliever might think of it as talking to my superego, or some better self. But I do have a sense of being guided.” – excerpted from an interview with Mary Karr
Later Karr adds, “Only with prayer could I stop drinking for more than a day or two. Once I made three months clean, but it was a white-knuckled horror show. Call it self-hypnosis, prayer, whatever. To skeptics I say, Just try it. Pray every day for thirty days. See if your life gets better.”
As a child I grew up with this classic prayer…
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Perhaps this is a comforting entreaty for an older supplicant but as a child I can assure you, it didn’t do much to give me any solace. Given that I knew I was a Sinner, the longshot of God grabbing my soul if I died in my sleep wasn’t exactly a warm & cozy feeling…Add in the imminent Rapture and things weren’t looking particularly rosy.
Later, I learned to add to the night time prayer with the God-as-Santa-Claus litany of things I wanted…free Aunt Gert from cancer, make my Mom’s back better, help me get an A in spelling, feed the starving, oh, and…I’d really like a new bike, a pair of binoculars and a bigger treefort.
By my early teens, I’d fought back against all things Mennonite. It was apparent to me that God wasn’t listening. And I was really tired of the catch-all explanation of how He worked in mysterious ways. That seemed pretty handy…God always came out looking good that way.
But lately, I’ve been working around to another view. What if I practised praying as per Ms. Karr’s suggestion? (I am still very uncomfortable with that word but replacing ‘prayer’ with ‘good thoughts’ or ‘positive feeling’ sounds even cheesier, like a New Age card promising me white light and good vibes).
I am even more uncomfortable with all the baggage that comes with the word God. But I like the idea of Something (we can call it God/Supreme Consciousness or Anything at all). But I believe this energy imbues us all, a power that is both inside, and outside of myself…as within, so without.
As I get older, I have found myself holding friends and family in my thoughts as they go through tough times. I can see now, that even though I thought of what I was doing as kind of a virtual-hug, it’s obvious that I had simply returned to my roots.
It doesn’t really matter what I call it. It is a conscious choice to send someone my care and love by centering my thoughts on them. When I open my heart by focusing my energy, my love, my everything, to someone struggling…there is something that happens…an intangible softening…a peace.
And what if?
What if I also gave myself that gift? Not in the here’s-what-I-want-for-Christmas type of litany, but a prayer for my own peace, an imploration for wisdom and a wishing supplication to hope that I might know what is right and true.
I’ve decided to take Miz Karr’s challenge and try a 30-day prayer plan. It starts today with this particular mantra/prayer…
I know. I know. It’s kind of Prayer 101, a super-easy cheating start. I never said I was anything but a rank beginner in all this.
But. I do know this; I am a woman in need of continual help in practising patience and acceptance for what is, because guess what? Turns out that Life does work in very mysterious ways.
This then is my announcement. So yes. I am praying. I’m taking the word back on my terms.
It would appear that my mom and God are having the last laugh.
What a beautiful post and a beautiful reflection on prayer. You speak my thoughts – only way more eloquently than I ever could. Grateful to start my day with this. Thank you, Colleen.
Thanks Jane. It’s really comforting to know these ideas are not mine alone. I love having company on this journey through this unfolding mystery of life 🙂
I believe that if somebody prays for you, you will feel supported by their prayer. It has been known that sick people have gone better supported by the thought that people were thinking of them and centering their thoughts on that person.
I believe you’re right Catherine. I’ve read those studies about the power of thought/prayer too, and they are quite astounding. There is so much we don’t know and maybe we don’t have to know 🙂 Mystery is good…
What a fantastic post! I “pray” for that kind of wisdom Colleen. Funny that i have just come up with a new mantra of my own: “I am enough” and “I have enough”. It has been very comforting to me and gives me that sense of peace that i too have been craving.
Barb, I have been practising breathing a silent ‘thank you’ for a while and I find it calming too. I haven’t been too definitive as to who/what I’m thanking but I just feel the gratitude and it’s lovely. This morning as I look out at the water, the new leaves and the peacefulness and I just can’t get over how incredibly lucky we are to be waking up in this safe little piece of the world.