http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30MsFTKhkFA&feature=youtu.be
I grew up steeped in the Mennonite belief that any and all pride was sin.
It followed that being beautiful was not in the running at all. It was not a topic for discussion. The point was to be competent.
As Red Green says, “If you can’t be handsome, you might as well be handy.”
We may have been West Coast Mennonites but that old-country austerity had no problem traveling West and setting down some deep roots that were all about being plain and of service.
Church was a simple space with pews and dark blue hymnals. The benches were hard and unforgiving and so was the sermon.
I have met many other Mennonites that didn’t experience the religion this way at all, but for me, it all felt like putting on a hair shirt. Needless to say, you don’t need to be thinking about shiny lipstick while wearing an itchy shirt.
I guess where I’m going with this, is that I feel like I grew up a little bit outside the ‘norm’ of society’s obsession with youth and beauty. I don’t want to suggest we looked much different than most people around us. But it sure felt different.
But we were not so far outside of things, that by my teenage years, I wanted to be a part of it more than anything else I could think of. (Let us just say that I fondly refer to those years as my misspent youth).
But by then it was too late. I’d grown up never having heard a compliment that I can remember and then Seventeen magazine came along to assure me that I would never measure up anyway.
Both views are extreme and unhealthy. If little girls are never told they are pretty (and isn’t every kid adorable?) how will they ever know they are beautiful?
Conversely if a child is only valued for being cute, how will they ever value their competence, intelligence and soul?
We construct our understanding of ourselves from what is reflected back to us, by what is validated by the adults and culture that surrounds us.
Recently, I listened to my niece with her then four-year old daughter.
She asked her little girl,”Who’s the cutest girl in the world?”
She answered, “I am!”
“But what’s more important?” asked her mother.
My great-niece didn’t miss a beat in her obviously-practised response, “To be smart, helpful and kind!”
That’s what I’m talking about.
This is a great conversation. If ever there was a time to use Miss Abilene’s words, this was it!
I think the most beautiful people are the brave ones: the man transitioning to a woman and having to ‘act as if’ in his life for a period of time before he qualifies for the life and death change he needs, and goes shopping at London Drugs and makes sure others see him (so courageous I almost cried on the spot); the person with a facial disfigurement who gets up and goes about her day like everyone else and makes the elephant in the room tap dance like Fred Astaire; the young teen with sclera derma who still wears shorts in the summer around the ‘perfect looking’ girls; the person with a developmental disability who ignores rebuffing and forges the friendships he wants and needs to be healthy. The beauty inside the beautiful girl who is broken and feels like a fraud and yearns to be seen for something other than her looks.
Or the individual in proximity, who entirely lacking in such struggles themselves, has the grace of awareness in knowing exactly how lucky and kind life has been to them, and the good sense enough to draw others less fortunate in to the warmth of their circle.
I wonder if the animals sit around talking like this? Wouldn’t THAT be a laugh.
Laurie, thank you for adding such amazing examples of the struggles to belong; because I think that’s what the whole ‘beautiful’ thing really boils down to.
I’m trying to imagine my dearly-departed Dalmatian, staring at her reflection in the mirror and wishing her spots were in different places. NOT! (Actually, I’m pretty sure that all she was ever thinking about is where the next blob of peanut butter was coming from, but that might be off topic.)
And yes, Miss Abilene’s words have further convinced me to read The Help. It’s on the list.
This, this kind of conversation that we’re having here? This is what’s really beautiful 🙂
1. “You is smart, you is kind, you is important”! That was from Abiliene in The Help
2. It is wonderful to hear your niece’s words to her daughter.
3. Sharry, I’m with you – no likey, no lookey.
4. At age 52 my friends and I have been known to say over and over to each other “inner beauty, inner beauty”. Then we discuss anti-aging skin products.
Jana. Thanks for the snorkage! Love it, love it, love it. Especially no. 4. That’s it in a nutshell!
A video to share and pass on to our daughters and our daughter’s daughters. Heck, pass it on to our boys too! Great message Colleen. My father told me I was beautiful everyday… My first boyfriend asked me if I had gained weight in my thighs since the last time he saw me. My second boyfriend asked me if I ever thought about getting liposuction. Things spiraled downward in regards to my appearance throughout my life. Many comments from others……. about my eyes being set too close together, was my nose broken and hips, hips, hips and more hips…………………………
Another nice bit of venting on my part, thanks to you, your insight and very clever thoughts.
Thank you, a beautiful niece and a great start for the “great” niece too.
Karen, isn’t it appalling what some people will tell us for ‘our own good’? WTH? If the truth isn’t absolutely necessary AND kind, then I prefer those people just shut up! Ouch. Now you got me venting again. Yes, my great niece is going to be great for a variety of reasons but mostly for that exact message she’s hearing from her mom…
It’s good to know I don’t need to fret over telling my daughter she’s cute since she hears much more about being smart and helpful. I’m just grateful that I’ve reached that age where I can think, “If you don’t like what you see, don’t look.” Well, I think that most of the time, anyway. There’s still that part of me that wants to be young (again) and beautiful (for once), but mostly I just want to be a fit, healthy me.
I’m right there with you Sharry. It’s nice to finally figure out that all I truly want is to be fit and healthy (though like you there are sometimes those wistful moments of wishful thinking 🙂