It was probably two in the morning.
I didn’t actually look at the clock but isn’t it always two a.m. when the doubts arrive? The niggling fears? The misplaced anxieties? The regrets? The sadness? Or, the (insert anything negative and upsetting here)?
My night time delivery was a textbook assortment of worry and trepidation. It was so cliché that it could have been funny, except, of course, well…see above.
The summation of all those dark thoughts could be wrapped up in one bland and very short sentence: We’re moving.
How on earth can a two-word sentence carry so much baggage?
But then again, some two-word sentences punch above their weight.
Jesus wept.
My tangled dark-time thoughts are heavier versions of the same ones that casually float through my head during the day. During the day, they don’t hook their claws into my brain. Instead, they are simply realizations and thoughts. Ones that include feeling like I’m already missing so many people here on the Coast. I know that’s kind of crazy, since we haven’t even moved to Kimberley yet, but as the days countdown to our departure, I’m rapidly running out of time for goodbyes.
But then I start thinking about actually living there. Will I be able to stand all that snow in the winter? Who will my friends be? What if our new house doesn’t really work for us? Maybe it’s dark? We bought it on a sunny day, how do we know what it will be like in the low light of winter? Why the hell did we buy a fully-furnished house when we said we’d rent until we knew for sure that we wanted to live there? It’s going to take forever to sort through all the stuff they left behind.
Which is when my brain hooks onto the most manageable of the worries. I begin to visualize each room, thinking about what goes where; I should move their sofa to face the fireplace and our floor lamp should go to the left…no, maybe it should be in the downstairs TV room? Is there enough space to add a pot rack? What about all those stairs? Why did we buy a house with so many stairs? I definitely have to paint those dining room chairs. I hate that light fixture. There is not enough storage. Why didn’t we find a house with more closets? What colour paint would work on that one wall by the TV stand?
So now, instead of thinking about the bigger issues, I’m maniacally doing interior decorating?!?
Seriously?
Which is when I remember that my anxiety is like a good zombie, a free-floating ghost that takes on any form available. My realization actually makes me smile a little into the dark of the ceiling. Oh yah, I say, you’re the same old silly fear, you’ve just dressed yourself up in a new outfit. Nice try, but I’m not buying it.
Instead, I breathe deeply and slowly… I bring all my attention to my breathing. Over and over I bring my focus back to the breath.
And then, I wake up. It’s morning and a fresh new day. With hot coffee and the clearheaded knowledge that those nasty anxiety-zombies have scurried back under the bed, I listen to the birds tweeting outside in the Sechelt marsh. I’m so grateful for our year in this beautiful home. It has been a wonderful experience and now, new adventures are coming up.
Soon I’ll be sitting on a new deck, hearing different birds and looking at a new view.
Hey, have I mentioned we’re moving?
I’m really excited.
Good luck Colleen, on your move. Fears and anxieties are part of the deal! It is a new beginning with loads of opportunities and adventure. A new chapter opens for you. Don’t get too stressed out.
Thanks for the reminder about ‘loads of opportunities and adventure’ Catherine. I will repeat those words next time I feel the arrival of the night time crazy-talk. I’m liking the new chapter approach…
I am smiling!
Hey Mare. I am too (today).
You’ve been there, done that, only you went so many provinces further. I’m using all my panicky moments to pack like a fiend. It’s one way to use up the energy 🙂
For me it’s 3 am! In addition to interior design for our new to be home, my thoughts then shift to packing. What’s going into storage? Almost everything. What will we need to take to the chalet on Mt. Washington for 4 mos? I only saw it once briefly. Do I need to take a colander …well definitely my kitchen knives!
Yes, I am an introvert but there will be almost no one else up there and certainly no shops! Yet I am excited and can’t wait to dive into my art boxes I’ve assembled and starting making stuff. So here’s the important question for you Colleen …do you have a STUDIO for yourself?
Good luck on your move and new adventure. I’ll be thinking of you at 3 am and take comfort I’m not the only one missing my friends before I even leave the Coast.
Oh Darla. That is a daunting thing indeed. But yes, when in doubt, always take the good knives. You can do pretty much anything if you have your knives.
It was almost easier when we moved into our RPod for that 5 1/2 months in 2016. It was such a stripped-down life. Mind you, I remember whinging for a long time while I was trying to edit and store everything in order to achieve the edited mobile life.
As for your most important question, the answer is YES! There are three bedrooms in our new place. One for us, one for guests and one that will be a dedicated studio space. For that, I am truly thankful.
I’m having an art sale here in Sechelt this Saturday in the hopes that there will be less to move by the time it’s done. If nothing else, it will be a lovely day for meeting people. If you get a chance, swing by. We can have a glass of rosé and commiserate about our night time brain activity.
I’m really excited for you! You can’t call it an adventure if you’re not riddled with self-doubt and suffering from bouts of tummy-rumbling fear before you arrive. That’s excitement talking! I can’t wait to watch this new adventure unfold. It’ll be cool. Log cabin living rocks!
Ha! Spoken like a true veteran of adventure.
Given the range and varying states of emotion, it feels strangely akin to the last time I rode a roller-coaster. Wheeee! Oh NO! Wheeee! Shit! And then, finally, relief and euphoria at surviving the entire ride.
Thank you for blazing the Log-Home-Living (LHL) trail.