You know you’re in Ye Olde Englande when…

• hot water comes out of one tap and cold comes out of the other, neither of which adds up to a pleasant warmth but rather a choice of scalding your palms or freezing your fingers.
• your forehead is bruised from the doorways and lintels above stairs that were designed for the height of bygone knights and their other vertically-challenged descendants.
• your tea-shoppe quiche comes with ‘salad’. This is generally a cole-slaw-like concoction that is swimming in a thinnish version of mayo.
• you need to look left, then right, then left again before crossing any of the skinny roads where drivers hurtle along on the wrong side.
• if you order the Cumberland sausage with mashed potatoes, you will get exactly that. Delicious, but don’t expect any greenery to be cluttering up your plate.
• people actually say things that you’ve only previously heard in a Shakespearean play, like, ‘see you anon’.
• desserts like sticky toffee pudding can be found on almost any menu. This is proper and very smart.
• whether you’re in your room at the Waldorf or ensconced in a little garrett in an inn near Ilkley, a cup of Nescafe is as close to coffee as you’ll ever find. Get used to it.
• the butcher is a proper shop with every cut of every kind of meat, along with hand-lettered signs telling you from what farm it originated.
• they still think blood-pudding is a good idea for breakfast. Seriously. They do.
• there are people walking around like they’re straight out of central casting; tweeds, canes, sensible hats and all.

You’ll know you’re in Ye Olde Englande when you realize you can’t quite get enough of any of it; the proper tea, the good beer, the incredible sausages, the oak-lined lanes, the brick houses with shiny red doors, the dales, the moors, the lilting language and the lush greens.

And you know too, that no matter how many times you’ve been here, you’ll keep coming back to England for the incredible history, the helpful people and the cheery attitudes.

God Save the Queen.