Yesterday we took a little drive to the seaside city of Sete. We stopped at a park. I was trying rather surreptiously to sneak photos of this woman. Finally, I realized I was being rather silly, so I asked her, in my best-mangled version of French, if I could take her photo. I gave her my card and explained (I think. I hope.) that it would go on my blog.
“Oui,” she said.
That was easy.
I wasn’t sure what it was about her and her exuberant ruffles and polka-dots that I loved, and then later I realized she was the image I’d been looking for. She represented something I’d been mulling over: finding your own most fabulous-est self.
Years ago, a very wise woman counselled me. I was quite a mess at the time. But she persevered, and in one session she suggested that I imagine all my clothes in a central hallway. There were many different doors off this hall and I was to put on whatever outfit was appropriate before I entered the room that might hold my family, or certain groups of friends, or colleagues, or co-workers, or whoever I could drum up.
And the trick of course, was that I would enter each room and be my same fabulous self in all of them. (She allowed for appropriateness of costume in this game; it would do no one any good for me to show up at a funeral while dressed for the beach).
Clearly, the clothing was more representative of an integrated persona than my style choice. I believe she could have subtitled this little lesson with the timeless words of Mr. Popeye, “I Yam what I Yam.” Or, Be Who You Are. I felt like I passed that test fairly well (except for one little glitch with that room that held some of my family, but this is not the time for that particular discussion. Besides, isn’t therapy by necessity always about one’s family of origin?)
But now? I am simply Colleen. Wherever I go. This has not always been the case (see aforementioned glitch concerning Mennonite upbringing). It took me years, and quite a few sessions, to be myself no matter who I was with.
As I get older (52 is coming up fast!) I can barely remember how it felt to shrink or expand myself to fit a situation. I just IS. I figure you’ll either love me or find me annoying as hell. I also assumed that if it is the latter, you’ll find someone else to hang with. If it’s the former? Well. Isn’t it fun that we adore each other…tics, quirks, foibiles, habits and all?
Our time here in France has been kind of another form of the ‘clothing-in-the-hall’ game. I feel like I’m trying on a France life. Do I love it enough to live here like all those memoir authors who find themselves in the lavender-filled hills in Provence or Tuscany or whatever place they romanticize forsaking all former lives while twirling in the hills a la Julie Andrews?
Umm, not quite…
Some time in the next few months, Kevin & I will probably go hang out on the Baja somewhere and I’ll wear that life for a while. Meanwhile, I’ve worn the Sechelt on the Sunshine Coast life for a dozen years. And before we came to France, I’d been mostly wearing the Vancouver-city dweller outfits. In between, I’ve been traveling on my own, on press trips, with friends or with Kevin; each jaunt requiring props and clothing as I tried on other cultures, ate different food and made new friends.
<Just as an aside. Let it be known that my grandfather lived and died, never having gone more than 50 miles from his hometown of Lowe Farm, Manitoba.>
I can’t begin to imagine living like the grandfather I never met. I much prefer the idea of having many lives. Think of all the outfits!
I’m enjoying this latest version of the game. It’s not about it being all or nothing. I don’t need to completely commit by anchoring to any one of these lives. I just get to pull another hanger out of the closet and try it on. Just as long as I continue to show up and am my own best and truest self.
Wherever I am.
Your turn. I’m curious. Do you change or modify yourself to conform to other people’s expectations of you?
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Who am I? I’m definitely ME these days – Karen, loving myself, my immediate family and those I work with. One of the easiest ways to Find Me was marrying and moving to the small communtiy where I had no history. I was allowed to make my life as a wife, mother, friend with no one comparing me to who my parents were. Then, I remarried, found a new partner who complements the way I live, have a great job with lots of fun people. I’m definitely wearing FUN these days – and my age has nothing to do with it! I love the challenges that come my way – opportunities to find a new path – much like your new locales for travelling. Thanks for letting me adore My journey – I appreciate the “lives” I’ve lived and look happily forward to those yet to come!
Congratulations Karen. It is always so refreshing and fabulous (!) to find someone who is loving their own path. So many people are endlessly comparing their lives with what everyone else is doing, instead of realizing their life is it, the one and only.
Like you, I frame challenges as opportunities. I’m not always successful at my endeavour, but it’s always what I’m aiming for 🙂
Enjoy your journey…
This lady is making a statement of herself with the clothes she wears and her “couettes” hair. She seems at ease with herself. A happy person who is pleased to have her photo taken. That’s the whole point. If you feel embarrassed or if you are not a happy person you tend to wear drab, boring and unattractive clothes.
Personnaly I tend to wear classic clothes because I feel that they never really get out of fashion. I once knew an 80 year old lady who used to wear butterflies clips in her hair, bright blue eyeshadow, sandals on her feet and long, colourful kaftan dresses. Her clothes matched her individualist personality. Roll on the purple hair!
You got it Catherine. Wear what makes you feel good! And whether that comes from wearing classic, kaftan or a purple coiffure…I say, go for it.
What I’m really noticing (again) here in France, is that most women really have a good sense of who they are. They aren’t just wearing the latest fashion or trend. Instead, they seem to celebrate their individuality. It’s especially noticeable in the young women, they already have their own personal style, however it is expressed whereas at home, I swear so many teens and young women are almost interchangeable in their similar looks, hair and makeup. Vive la difference!
Sarah, I love your ‘uniform’ idea. A great response to a very thought-provoking post, which nevertheless fails to drum up in my mind Colleen’s ideal ‘snorkage’ outfit. I can dress outlandishly, but am attempting to rein in the desire to run counter-to-style at all times ‘just because’. At almost 50 I should surely be getting over the ‘OVER HERE!!’ syndrome. For me, being willing to tone things down a tad to leave room in the room for others to shine is my ‘new look’… I find it every bit of an adventure as going ‘Cochon entier’. Who knew there were such jewels around in every encounter if only I were a little less dazzling myself? Though when I’m in my finery (think keds, skinny jeans with zippers all over them, a Flash superhero t-shirt and a beatnik hat on purple hair) it’s a bit like wearing a gay pride shirt – brings all the other beautiful crazies out for a gaggle, which I wouldn’t miss for the world. (Yes, Colleen, that includes YOU).
Laurie. Please don’t give up the ‘OVER HERE’ syndrome. It’s part of who you are.
Remember Marianne Williamson’s quote?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Bring on the purple hair, the zippery jeans and the whole shebang and yes, I am proud to be included in your beautiful crazies!
P.S.
Also comfort is really important!!
But of course! Starting with the feet and going on up…
I have to admit, I certainly do have my comfort clothes.
I tend to wear neutral colors so I can add color in a scarf,
or hat, or jacket. I recently went through all my clothes again,
and have finally cleared out items that I always thought I would
wear! but never did. I don’t think I necessarily wear clothes
to please others, just clothes that are slimming!! I guess that
is vanity?! Well whatever, I feel better when I feel good in
what I am wearing; I actually feel more confident. I just have
to stop wearing soooo much black; hard to break old habits!
Bring on the vanity Laurie! That’s some of the first advice I read about dealing with mild depression, that is, to take a shower/bath, buff up, wear your most feel-good, look-good clothes and attack the day, in spite of how you feel. Some people hate the ol’ fake it until you make it, but I’d suggest it has its merits 🙂
I just have to watch some of the people in my father’s ‘home’ to see elderly depression in its fullest expression. Grooming becomes non-existent and the clothes become sacks. It is too sad.
Though again, I’d like to defend the wearing of black, but only because it is such a staple in my wardrobe! I love that you can fling on a scarf or necklace and it is transformed.
My plan upon my return to Vancouver/Sechelt is to edit like mad. Thanks for the inspiration.
I wish I could see what you were wearing through her sunglasses. The wardrobe is the extension of the self which in this case includes the adorable pouchies. The hair style and the pouchies ears is the extension. Funny you said that you were almost sneaking in to take her picture. In this situation, I would have just went over to her and had a conversation….gotten to know her and the pouchies. It isn’t much about the wardrobe but the interesting conversation that I might have had with this person and if I enjoyed it, I would have taken the picture of us together.
Now to your question. Unfortunately, my 9 hour daily work requires a certain attire. However, this does not change who I am. I was trying to explain to a gentleman what I had read about tie colors such as a pink tie conveys friendliness. His manager (female) was around and he proceeded to let me know that he would never wear such a tie color. His manager was hearing our conversation and she said “oh do you know that in London all men wear pink shirts on Friday”. I said I had not visited London for awhile so I have not noticed but it is good to hear. Bottom line – our conversations say a lot more than the wardrobe and I love wearing all colors….uummm hold off to black as much as possible.
Francesca, you’re right about just going over and having a conversation and normally that would be my modus operandi…however, the language thing has tongue-tied me in a very real way. Having to resort to using charades for most of my conversations here is a bit limiting!
Ah. Don’t you love the word ‘never’ and all it tells us about your non-pink-tie-wearing gentleman? I would agree that our conversations, and especially our actions, tell the world a lot about us.
As for black? Well, gotta admit that black, silver, grey and white are some of my go-to basics…especially for travel. I hope my loud laugh compensates for the lack of colour!
One of my favorite things about being in my 40s is that I’ve finally given up caring what others think of me. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but mostly, I figure that if you don’t like what you see, don’t look. I keep trying to figure out how to impart that wisdom to my soon-to-be-teenage daughter, but I’m smart enough to realize it’s a lost cause. We all have to learn how to accept who we are on our own. I just feel sad for those poor souls who never figure it out.
Hear! Hear! Sharry. Or is it Here! Here! or There! There! Whatever the expression, I strongly endorse your comment. It really is too bad (in some ways) that we can’t save the next generation from the sometimes tortuous path required to get to this stage. I dearly wish I could wave a wand over some of the younger people I love so that they could feel this sooner than later. But you’re right. It has be hard won to resonate for ourselves.
You’re right too, that the saddest stories of all, are of the people who never manage to learn this. I’m not sure why that has to happen, but I’ve certainly encountered it. Thanks for your always-great comments.
Truth be told, I dress and portray myself in the way I would like to be perceived (not necessarily who I would like to BE – because then I’d show up everywhere wearing the flow-y yet narrow monochrome wardrobe and cloches of the 1920s (think Alice Toklas’s straight sister) As it is, my closet has a flat affect: no ruffles, no lace, no bold prints. Because I have failed utterly in cultivating any style in 54 years, I would love to throw in the towel and have a uniform tailored to the specifics of my days, with all the various pockets of convenience. Built-in oven mitt, dog-treat pockets, an erase-board placket, a dozen pocket protectors, a pedometer… I can imagine it: a waxed canvas front closing jumper/apron sort of thingy with a giant zipper. Yup, that’s me.
Well Miz Sarah. It is not often I will disagree with someone kind enough to take the time to comment…HOWEVER…I cannot possibly agree that you have failed utterly in cultivating any style. I recall thinking you looked quite unique, and in fact, rather smashing in whatever I saw you in during the San Miguel conference.
Having said that, I would now like to congratulate you on the lovely image you’ve evoked in my brain.
Your uniform sounds splendid. I can see it in all its cartoon magnificence. Sounds like a damned fine idea, though I would add a pocket for the camera, the dark-chocolate chunks (perhaps a cooled pocket so nothing gets too melty?) and ibuprofen…just because it’s always handy to have.